downswing officially over!

I placed 2nd in the Double Deuce yesterday for $21k!!

Needless to say, I had an amazing Sunday. It’s very surreal. The Double Deuce is kind of like a myth…like you hear about people winning and you know that the wins must exist, but you can’t imagine ever doing it yourself because it’s pretty much impossible. Like the Sunday Million and the $250k, you play it every week and just bust and think nothing of it because you bust every week anyway.

Actually I thought I was going to make a run in the $22 1R1A (which had almost $20k for first, wow). I busted ~48th in that after losing a flip, and then I was one tabling the Double Deuce. I was slightly tilted by this because at this point I had 60bb, there were >600 people left and I just wanted to stop playing for the day.

I started caring about the tourney when it was down to around 150 people. At this point I realized that I might actually have a shot to go really deep. And then when it was down to like 5 tables, I actually started physically feeling the fact that I was deep in something that was worth a lot of money. What I mean is that my heart actually pounded whenever I was in a big pot or whenever I was all-in. It has been years since I’ve actually felt this way in a tournament. I never get worked up anymore, but I also haven’t been deep in something like this before. I barely felt disappointment the other week when I bubbled the final table of the $26 FO, but 1st place was only $9k in that.

I can’t believe that I made this final table. I can’t believe that I finally cashed for something significant. The strongest feeling I have right now is relief. Sweet sweet relief. I was down almost $9k playing an average buyin of $30. That is a lot of money. To be up five figures right now is just incredible. I am so grateful. I don’t take for granted the run good involved in this cash.

I am so relieved that I got through my downswing. I just can’t describe how it felt to be down almost 300 buyins. You hear about these downswings and you hear people say that one day you are going to run worse than you ever thought possible, but you never understand it until it happens.

Poker is hard. It is so hard. And I am talking about the emotional and mental part of it. I’m not even fully playing for a living and it took a huge toll on me. When I was losing $500 every day over and over again, I didn’t think I was going to be able to make it. There were a couple days where I actually broke down and wondered why I was doing this and wanted to quit. Those moments never lasted longer than an hour, but they happened. I am usually emotionally strong when it comes to poker and I am ashamed that my downswing affected me this way. But I literally could not help it. After losing 200 and then almost 300 buyins, I really began to question everything about what I was doing. Not to mention losing a third of my BR sucked.

My downswing would have sucked a million times more if Dave weren’t there for me. The entire time he kept telling me that I am a good player and that I will make money. That it will be worth it. That running bad like this happens, that other people get through it, and I will too. I am not sure how many times he had to tell me this. I remember sitting here after busting deep in yet another tournament, feeling more frustrated than I can remember. He just came in and sat on the floor and waited for me to say something. He was just here for me and I needed it. It’s stupid that I needed to hear these things to feel better about it, but I did.

Thanks to that downswing, I will never understimate how bad I can run. While it is unlikely, there is a chance that I will run just as bad or even worse in the future. I will be ready for it, and hopefully I will be mentally and emotionally stronger. I am surprised by how dark the days can feel in the midst of such a downswing, but now I know.